Twilight’s Edward and Bella – The Big Screen’s Most Absurd Couple – EVER!
The three part Twilight movie franchise is based on the wildly successful novels by the American author Stephenie Meyer. At this writing, the novels have sold over 85 million copies in more than 38 countries. The first book in the Twilight series, Twilight, was made into a movie in 2008. The second book in the Twilight series, New Moon, was released onto the big screen in 2009. The third Twilight book, Eclipse, is due to hit theaters in 2010. Twilight was a box office smash, but New Moon is proving to be a real record breaker in theater ticket sales arena.
I am going to skip inserting any sort of synopsis about the movies Twilight and New Moon. If you haven’t at least seen Twilight, this article will have little meaning for you. If you have been to see both Twilight and New Moon, you’ll get the most out of this article. With that said, allow me to expand on the thesis statement that is my title.
Twilight’s Edward and Bella really and truly are the big screen’s most absurd couple ever. Forget Harold & Maude. Forget Beauty & the Beast. Twilight’s Edward and Bella set a whole new standard for mismatched, on-screen romantic pairings. I don’t mean mismatched as in Harrison Ford and Anne Heche in Six Days and Seven Nights. I mean mismatched as in there was nothing at all to bring these two kids together in the first place, and certainly nothing to cause them to fall so deeply and irretrievably in love.
In Twilight, Edward is a vampire and Bella is a human being. Another way of saying this would be that in Twilight, Edward is the diner and Bella is the dinner. I realize that Edward has pledged himself to the vampire equivalent of being a vegetarian – he only consumes animal blood. But by his own admission, he is deeply and irresistibly drawn to Bella’s unique scent. The same way I am drawn to the kitchen when my wife is cooking homemade cinnamon rolls. To be with her, Edward must constantly exert unprecedented levels of self control to ensure Bella doesn’t end up being a snack, instead of a girlfriend. That hardly sounds like a way to spend a pleasant day.
And why is Bella attracted to Edward? He is an outcast at school. He’s pale as a ghost. Upon meeting her, Edward clearly doesn’t want to be around her – he won’t even speak to her. The first time Bella accidentally touches Edward, she jumps and jerks away from his icy cold flesh. When their relationship grows, Edward refuses to be intimate – even kiss – Bella because if he loses control, well, Bella becomes a meal. Sounds like a real match made in heaven, eh?
Try to imagine yourself as another character in Twilight and New Moon. You live in Forks and go to the same high school that Edward attends and that Bella will soon attend. You’re friends with Edward – as much as he can have human friends, anyway, and you know he’s a vampire. Right after Bella arrives for her first day of school, you befriend her also. For some strange and perverse reason, you decide that Edward and Bella should go out together. So you go to each of them independently and try to sell them on the idea of a blind date…
First, you talk to Edward. “You should really ask that new girl, Bella, out on a date. She’s quiet, introverted, dark, withdrawn, secretive and unsettled. She has no apparent hobbies or interests and is not at all a physical person. She doesn’t get along well with people, nor does she want to. Her family is best friends with your family’s mortal enemies: the werewolves. She is not unattractive and not at all fat. She’s a naïve drama queen who shows almost no emotions at all. She doesn’t even show facial expressions – except in the rarest of instances. But that goes well with her almost monotone speech patterns. You won’t be able to kiss her, or make love to her, but as time passes you might just be able to hold hands – once she gets used to the feel of your frigid flesh. She may only be in town a short while, so you better hurry and ask her out.”
Then you speak to Bella. “I know Edward avoids you, makes faces at you and clearly showed that he doesn’t like being anywhere near you, but you should really consider going out with him. Aside from being inhumanly pale and utterly withdrawn from the world around him, he’s cute! I know he never talks and has no friends outside of his totally weird family, but I think he’s a match for you. Oh, by the way, Edward is a vampire. Wouldn’t it be cool to date a real live bloodsucking predator? Of course you’d have to tell your dad to quit spending time with Jacob’s family as they are all werewolves, and as such they are the arch enemies of Edward and his family. One thing, though. Be very careful around Edward. He’s told me that you smell more delicious than any other human he’s been around in his 104 years of life. I don’t mean ‘delicious’ like he enjoys your perfume. I mean ‘delicious’ like a Thanksgiving Day dinner spread or cookies fresh from the oven. Wouldn’t want to end up as Edward’s dinner instead of his dinner date.”
I’ve really tried to relate to Edward’s attraction to Bella in Twilight. I just can’t empathize. I keep seeing myself falling in love with a superbly grilled porterhouse steak smothered with buttery grilled onions. Really, I can only smell it and pay compliments to the chef for so long. Eventually, in fact very soon, I am going to eat that steak!
Despite my age and sex, I actually like Twilight and New Moon. I know these movies are aimed at younger audiences, but they’re well made and have enough going on to hold my attention. I very much enjoyed the werewolf scenes in New Moon! Kudos to the special effects folks who both created the concept for these unusual beasts, and also brought them to life on the big screen. I also very much liked the scenes where the vampires are being vampires – such as during the baseball game in Twilight. But I just can’t wrap my head around Edward and Bella as a couple – much less a couple so very deeply in love.
I watched and enjoyed Twilight and New Moon. I’ll also watch Eclipse, the final movie in the Twilight series. But no matter what happens in the Twilight series now, I’ll never see Bella and Edward as anything but the most absurd couple in movie history.
You can see a trailer for Twilight at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDVlQPpVUA8
You can watch a trailer for New Moon at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYBF3HKzrmE
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